One sided love and why I am choosing to walk away

One sided love really fucks you up! If you love someone and that love isn’t reciprocated, it fucks you up mentally and emotionally. It’s a different kind of heartbreak. The thing about one sided love is that you are often left questioning your self-worth and wonder why you weren’t good enough for the person who wasn’t able to commit to you. What was it that you lacked that didn’t allow that person to fall in love with you? In reality, if you love someone and it is one-sided, you’re not the problem and sometimes, neither is the other person. After all, you just can’t help who you fall in love with. Loving someone who you think is worthy of your love is not the problem. It feels like the problem because you’re not loved back. You constantly overlook the flaws of the person you love and in the end, the only person you burn is yourself. You have this hope inside you that one day, that love will be reciprocated because you believe that your love is powerful enough to do that and you wait, and wait, and wait, and it doesn’t come. That’s when you get to the point where you are tired of waiting and realise that for your own sanity, you are left with no choice but to walk away. There is no one that can protect your heart like you can. 

When it comes to one-sided love, most people, including myself, have this idea that they will be able to do enough to make the person they love, love them back. You do the absolute most for this person because you can see something they cannot. You think that once they see how wonderful you both can be together, it will all fall into place. Often, it’s this idea that is completely in your head that somehow, you will both be perfect for each other. Instead, what happens is that you end up feeling confused, hurt and a bunch of other mixed emotions because of how the other person treats you. It’s almost like one minute they’re into you and pulling you in, and another they’re not into you so they’re pushing you away. But then you come to the realisation that you can’t make someone love you no matter how much you love them and how much you try. Instead, all that is happening is that your emotions are on a roller-coaster because you think that there is hope when they are into you for some moments and then suddenly, they’re not. When you start questioning how long you can continue taking this heartache for (because honestly, one sided love is one of the worst pains) you know it is the beginning of the end. The length of time a person fights for their one-sided love varies for people. Personally, for me, a year was more than enough. A man will not be hesitant to commit to a woman unless he doesn’t want to commit to her, no matter how much he tries to make a woman believe that he needs time. Too often, women give men a lot of time in hope this will change things and in the end, they still don’t get the commitment they had hoped for. A man is happy to go with the flow in case he doesn’t find someone better whilst wasting the valuable time of a woman just because she fulfils his needs whether they’re emotional, mental, or physical for that period of time she is in his life. And that is what I went through. 

I met a wonderful man and I thought this was it for me. I thought that because of how our relationship slowly evolved, this would be the perfect thing. See, we started off as friends and then slowly we became more than friends. As a woman, I naturally wondered where this was heading and every time I questioned it, I was told that it was better to go with the flow and see where things end up. We were practically in a relationship without calling it a relationship. We did absolutely everything together. We spent a lot of time together as couples do, and we were in communication daily, just as couples usually are. 

However, slowly, as things progressed and my feelings started getting deeper, we got to the six month mark and I was still wondering where this was heading. Reflecting on this situation, I can now see that six months is far too long for a man to decide if he wants to commit to a relationship with you. The problem was that the man I was in love with had never been in a relationship before and I was the first woman that he was like this with. I still had this hope that one day, he would realise that we were made for each other. Every time we fought, we would take some space and then we would always come back and fix things, no matter what happened between us. That for me told me that this was something special because I had never had that in a relationship before. Also, because he had never been in a relationship before, it made me think that he was learning in the process and would eventually realise that we were more than just friends and he would be able to commit. That was one of my very first mistakes – making excuses for this man. 

It got to the one-year mark, and I started realising that I was selling myself short. Things that were of significance for me in a relationship, were things that I had started overlooking because I always wanted to make sure that he was okay as he had never been in a relationship. I was more focused on meeting his emotional needs rather than my own. Even near the one-year mark, this man still wouldn’t commit to me. If that isn’t enough time, then no time will ever be enough! He was always confused about what he wanted and every time the conversation came up, I stressed the fact that this wasn’t going anywhere and that he should let me go so we could go our separate ways. I was okay with moving on because in my heart I knew that I had tried everything so I would happily leave with no regrets. I never realised this at the time but whenever the conversation came up of me walking away, it wouldn’t go anywhere and then the following few days, there would be this extra effort from his side. He would want to spend more time with me, and he would want to do things that I liked doing. Now, as a woman who was being stupid in love, I would always mistake that as an unsaid answer that he wanted me deep down and was just scared to commit, making excuses for him. It’s funny looking back. Even the times when he deeply hurt me with his words and actions, I always forgave him thinking that because he had never been in a relationship before, he didn’t know better and allowed myself to be disrespected. Again, making excuses for him. I think I had been very patient with him and although we were together but not officially together, I still had this unspoken level of loyalty towards him because of how I felt. The thought of entertaining another man was almost like I would be committing a sin and would be considered as cheating because in my head, I didn’t want to risk ruining a chance if we ever had one.

After a series of events where I started feeling like I wasn’t important enough in his life anymore and felt like he was changing towards me, that’s when it really hit me that this man never had wanted me in that way and would never be able to commit to me, no matter how many mixed signals he would give me. I started behaving in a clingy manner always questioning why he didn’t want to spend time with me anymore and why I wasn’t important enough. I wondered what had changed so much in such a short space of time. And that was the problem.  You see, if he really did love me and see a future with me, this man would do everything in his power to reassure me and help get rid of my insecurities. He would make the effort to spend time with me. Instead, he contributed to my insecurities further which made me feel even worse. I started understanding that he wanted me in his life because he was lonely, and I was fun to be around. I was useful to him because I would help him discover himself through self-reflecting, having deep and intellectual conversations and always being there for him. I realised that he was being selfish because he knew how I felt about him but since he liked how I was helping him become a better version of himself, he was fearful of letting me go. Despite him making me feel like I wasn’t important enough and not a priority in his life anymore, I still tried to be normal with him, but it got to a point where I just felt like I was bothering him whenever I would try to talk to him. He would respond to me very slowly despite being on his phone. And that’s when it hit me. If you feel like you’re begging for someone’s time and attention, you’re losing yourself in the process.

I decided that because he wouldn’t let me go, I would have to be proactive and decided that I needed to walk away from the thing that was hurting me the most. The first thing I did was decide that I needed to get out of the environment where we would spend all our time, so I booked a flight to come home and spend time with my family. Being away from our regular environment allowed me to gather my thoughts on matters and really question what it was that this man was doing for me apart from hurting my feelings. This allowed me to determine that I had no choice but to walk away from the man I loved. I realised I would have to love him from a distance. The next thing I decided was that I needed to walk away in silence because I finally accepted that this was not going to go anywhere, nor would it ever go anywhere and all I was doing was building myself up for further heartache the longer this continued for. His avoidant personality makes him fearful of commitment and he isn’t emotionally available, so it means that until he doesn’t work on himself, he unfortunately won’t be able to make that commitment, to anyone. It was also when I realised that I was doing all the emotional work in the relationship, and I was the one that was holding the relationship together. If I was no longer willing to do that, this relationship would fall apart. And I couldn’t continue being the one doing all the emotional work because the only thing that I was doing was not acknowledging how I had been feeling. Instead, I had been busy trying to understand him, rather than myself. I realised that my emotional needs were not being met and was always working on meeting his emotional needs. I knew that once I was ready, I would need someone who was mature enough to commit and was emotionally available. I crave security, maturity, and stability in a relationship, and I knew I wouldn’t get this from the man that I waited so long for. I had to walk away for myself.

Now, because I know that every time I discuss leaving, he doesn’t let me go, I decided I am going to do that by taking ten steps back. It’s never easy to walk away from someone you love. In fact, it’s one of the most heart-breaking things. Maybe in time, he will realise that he is ready to commit and, if we’re meant to be, we will. However, I just decided that I couldn’t be around anymore waiting, building him up in hope that he would commit to me whilst wasting my own precious time. I decided that I needed to put my own needs first. I know that it is difficult to walk away from someone you love, and it is a process. A long, difficult, and hurtful process. But in time, that hurt will subside.

I finally started that process, but I haven’t figured it out completely and I will have to figure it out along the way but currently, I decided to not respond to any contact from him for a minimum of 72 hours to slowly start reducing contact. I also made a list of pros and cons about the person I am in love with. The final step in the process that I decided to take was to write a list of all the reasons that I am choosing to walk away and refer to this list daily. I re-read it to remind myself of why I need to walk away. It’s only the start but I also know myself and know that if I decide to do something, there is no doubt that I will succeed. I remind myself of all the hurt I have been through in the past and know that I was able to get through that, which in turn made me stronger, so I know I will also get through this, no matter how difficult it currently seems. Time heals all wounds and there is no doubt that time will heal this one too. I am just exhausted and emotionally drained of giving love and not receiving it back. All I am doing is giving it to the wrong person because I know that for the kind of person I am, someone out there will be lucky to receive the love I have to offer and the right man will appreciate it from the beginning, rather than making me feel insecure or make me question my own self-worth. 

The sad truth is that despite several relationship experiences I have had; I am still a little oblivious when it comes to figuring out if a man is emotionally available. It always seems like they are at the beginning. My problem is I am too understanding, accommodating, and giving in a relationship. There have been far too many times where I have put the other persons needs before my own, but I don’t want to do that anymore. For a while I lost myself by giving all my love to someone else rather than to myself. I don’t want to go through that ever again where I forget my self-worth. I chose to walk away because I am prioritising myself. I am the most important person in my life. Which leads me to a quote that I feel is relatable; ‘what doesn’t break you, only makes you stronger’. 

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

To the men who hurt me – thank you!

I’ve had my fair share of encounters with men who I thought things would either work out with or thought they would be non-judgemental towards me and be able to accept me for who I am. I’ve been on the dating scene since I was eighteen, on and off. Twelve years later and I am still single because all the guys I meet, are emotionally unavailable, do not have a secure attachment style, have unhealed trauma and don’t even know it, or they just do not understand what it entails to be in a relationship. Too often, I meet men who need validation, want to use me for an ego boost, cannot commit or want me to build them up for the woman they think they deserve because I am not good enough. I am not sure what it is about me that attracts these kinds of men. A part of me feels that maybe I am too nice and too understanding, not to mention accommodating. I question where it is that I go wrong that a guy wouldn’t want to be with someone like me. But then I remember that no matter what you are like, some men cannot handle a strong woman who won’t take their rubbish. That is when you become the problem and men usually want out because a lot of men that I have come across, need to be made to feel a certain way for them to want to make that commitment. When you are a strong, independent woman, men are scared, especially if they are not mature enough to handle a bad-ass woman like that. That is why you are made to feel that you are the problem, even if you’re not. Weak men tend to look for a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. If you don’t need that, it becomes a problem because the woman won’t need as much validation and won’t need to depend on them. Currently, I am off the dating scene, mainly because I am working on myself more than anything. I want to focus on my health with the bariatric surgery coming up and my emotional and mental well-being before I even give a man any of my time. I have come to the point in my life where I will be able to tell after a few encounters whether there is potential or not because I refuse to waste anymore of my time on men who are not mature enough to handle a woman like me. Never again will I ever apologise for being an honest, open-minded, strong, independent, and free-spirited woman! To all the men that hurt me and used me as their emotional punchbag, I thank them for everything. It is thanks to them that I have become who I am today. It is because of them that I learned I am not the problem and took the time out to really get to know myself and become a better version, but still working on becoming the best version of myself yet. I felt some examples of how I have been treated by men in the past and the things they have said or done will help you understand why I think the way I do, so here goes.

I was dating a guy at university who tried it on with my friend and hoped I wouldn’t find out until another friend told me what happened at a party. I used to do the most for this guy. I would cook for him, make him feel at home, supported him with his basketball games and was completely devoted. After I found out what had happened with my ‘friend’, I left him shortly after because I was so emotionally invested whilst getting nothing in return. I used to see him out and about with lots of different girls. He was emotionally unavailable, and I didn’t know it at the time because I didn’t even know what it meant for a man to be emotionally unavailable. He was selfish, a bit of a narcissistic douchebag and thought his height and eight pack could help him rule the world. I completely cut him off because that is the scorpion side of me coming out. I find it easy after a while to make it seem like someone didn’t exist in my life. Years later, he tried several ways to get in contact with me but failed. Eventually, he managed to contact someone I was in communication with and told them he needed to speak to me urgently. After being told he had serious health issues, when I spoke with him, he told me that he had been hospitalised and had a near death experience. He said that the only person he had thought of was me, and that he was a fool for letting me go. He told me he has never met anyone like me. He said he didn’t realise what he had at the time but now he does and wanted us to give it another shot. I told him that he will be searching for me in others and will never be able to find me. I then lied to him and told him I was married now because I didn’t even want to waste a second pretending to care for him or be friends with him. I was not willing to invest my energy into someone who couldn’t value me when I was in their life.

I started talking to a guy on a dating site and we got on like a house on fire. We met up after about two weeks of talking non-stop. I drove to meet him at a place that was suitable for him. When I got there, he had made no effort and was in tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt and was so different in real life. He wasn’t able to hold a conversation as well face to face. After we left, he stopped messaging me as much and then, when I questioned him about it, he basically told me that he needed to explore other options and that we shouldn’t put all our eggs in one basket. He also went on to tell me that he was shallow and wanted someone who looked a certain way. My argument was that you can change your physical appearance over time but if your personality sucks, it can’t be changed. I do give it up to him for being so honest and straightforward. Anyway, looking back now, it doesn’t even matter because he has a right to want to be with someone he finds attractive. I was willing to look past that and go only based on personality. I think in this situation, I was too accepting and should not have questioned whether I was good enough but rather, whether he was good enough for me. 

I once invested myself in a guy who was a lovely mature man but had commitment issues at the age of thirty-seven. We were getting to know each other but after a month, he didn’t want to continue. That was fine. Sometimes you think a person is right for you but then you realise they are not shortly after. However, this guy wanted a second chance, so I gave him one. I travelled to South Africa to do some voluntary work and whilst I was there, he started getting defensive about things like taking space, yet he had never asked me for space. Anyway, a few weeks into my South Africa trip, I decided I was the one that needed to take space in our ‘relationship’, and I say this loosely, but I don’t think he had mentally prepared for that and was taken aback. He didn’t take me seriously when I asked for space and although he had agreed to give me space, he was still contacting me, not respecting the boundary I had set. A few weeks of not being normal, I finally got home. When I got home, he was in the middle of moving houses and had a lot going on. I’d been back for a few days, and he had clearly taken a step back because even once I was back, he still couldn’t make time for me. It’s never a good feeling when someone has pulled back because it is almost a sign of what is to come. I tried to talk to him, but he was always busy. Eventually, he did make the time to speak to me just to tell me that it was over. He wanted to explore other options and give the woman his family wanted to introduce him to a chance because he felt I physically wasn’t his type. It’s funny. Men will literally have a woman that could have it all but will still want to see what else is out there just in case they can do better. Sometimes men fail to look at their own reflection and are ungrateful. I think by this point, I’d been through the same thing on several occasions that I accepted it without hesitation. He had done this before so this time it didn’t bother me as much. I had told him at the time that if he ended it the second time, there is nothing that would ever make me want to give him a third chance. I applied for a new job and moved halfway across the world within three weeks of that ending. It’s funny how things happen and fall into place. Maybe that was the reason it didn’t work out because I was never going to be in the country, yet I didn’t understand it at the time. Only, after a few months, he contacted me by creating a twitter account and messaging me on there as he had no other way of contacting me. He told me that he couldn’t believe he had met someone like me and then let me go. It obviously didn’t work out with the woman his family had introduced him to. She was too different to what he had wanted personality and character wise. It was only after her, he realised that I was perfect for him. We are not together but this man still believes that we should end up together because he thinks that because we liked each other once upon a time, things can go back to how they were at the start. The only issue Is that I don’t know if I want to be with a man who couldn’t appreciate me when he had me. I don’t think I could allow myself to go back to someone who couldn’t see my worth and always made me feel like he could do better. This experience taught me that even if you are enough, a man can make you feel like you are not and then when he tries to make you feel like you are enough, you will always have a doubt in the back of your mind.

Another time, I dated a guy who was all talk, promised me the world, even spoke to my family about marrying me and then I travelled over the summer and things went south. He just failed to communicate with me through calls or texts, telling me that he had so much going on and wasn’t able to share it with me because he needed to deal with such severe issues alone. He also gave me the silent treatment for a week because he got upset over something trivial.When I did finally come back to the country, he was shocked that I had ended the relationship and there was no going back. He had assumed that once I came back into the country things would go back to how they were before I left. He underestimated my strength to walk away from a relationship that didn’t help me continue growing. He didn’t understand that communication is one of the fundamentals that helps a relationship develop. It’s the foundation of a strong relationship! The minute you hit a difficulty, if you start giving someone the silent treatment or can’t make time for your partner to check in at least once a day, then there is some serious inner work that needs to be done. The minute you start moving like you don’t even want your partner in a relationship, a wise person will start understanding their value and remove themselves from situations like that. He learnt the hard way that I would never give him that chance again. He tried for a few weeks to get me back until he eventually realised that he had me and he lost me because of his stupid mistakes. What he doesn’t know is that the first time you do that, it triggers something in the other persons mind and when it happens again, you already know it is going to happen even more. I think that is the point where you decide whether it is worth being treated like that regularly and deep down, I knew it was not what I deserved. I walked away with my head held high, wished him well stayed content with my decision.

I started seeing a guy who was all for me but then used to get angry over the smallest things. Like he used to get annoyed at me for speaking to any other male, even if it was a waiter in a restaurant. He dumped me because he saw a draft TikTok video on my phone with a guy but without questioning anything, his avoidant personality decided to up and leave me. When he decided to leave, he would have a habit of calling me to verbally abuse me. He said some nasty things. He told me I wasn’t even beautiful anyway and called me an elephant. That was on one occasion. On another occasion, he called me a mother***** because he was so hurt. He told me that he was grateful that he had been saved from being with me and that I was always around men, so I wasn’t a good woman. That wasn’t true. He never saw my phone ring when he was with me, and I was always at home when he contacted me. This man had severe anger issues, but he used to take his anger out on me. Of course, I realised that he was saying those things because his ego was bruised when I wouldn’t chase after him. He tried to control me, and I am too much of a free spirit to be controlled. I blocked him because I didn’t need that kind of negative energy in my life. This man had some serious issues, and I didn’t even feel sad that he left my life. In fact, I blocked and deleted him because he was rude, arrogant and a time waster. His trauma triggered him to behave in such a way that I almost sympathise with him because he probably doesn’t even know he has unhealed trauma. I didn’t have energy to fix him. That was not my job.

Finally, my favourite is my most recent experience! I met a man who I thought was perfect. We started our relationship off as friends and rather quickly, became the best of friends. We just worked. We always made time for each other, we were in communication throughout the day and when we argued, we would fix things straight away. Everything just flowed smoothly. I felt like I was on cloud nine. Until one day I didn’t! I had never met a man like that. Someone who was calm, collected and patient. A man that didn’t raise his voice, would apologise if he made a mistake, always made time for me, and would find everything I said interesting. We would have discussions about anything and everything. We watched movies and tv shows together. We went shopping together, ate together, chilled on the beach, laughed together and it was all so perfect. I had never met someone that made me feel like I could completely be myself like that before. We were so comfortable in each other’s presence. My issue was I fell in love with this man. I fell in love with him because we had built the foundation of our relationship solidly. I just couldn’t ever imagine getting bored of him. Time was never enough with him, and we constantly spent time together. On the days I didn’t see him, we would talk over the phone and then it was exciting when I did see him. I loved what we had. We could walk and talk, and I made him laugh. We talked about travelling together and doing so much more when the pandemic was over. It felt surreal sometimes that I had met someone with whom I had formed such a strong bond with. This was it for me. This was the relationship where we could only go from strength to strength. But then small things made me do a double take. For example, for someone who was not religiously practising, his criteria for the kind of woman he wanted changed. Apparently, I was too Western (having been born in the West and him being from the East), he was worried about the next generation yet wasn’t bothered that for the next generation, you had to make sure that as parents, you had a solid relationship. That you had to deal with your own attachment style and unhealed trauma. He told me he didn’t trust me and accused me of cheating on him. For him, there was too much wrong with me. However, the main problem was that this man had never been in a relationship before, so it was going to be a problem because not only did he not know what he was looking for, but he also didn’t know what it entailed to be in a relationship. The fact that I had never judged him, asked him for anything apart from time, understanding, trust and patience became too much to ask for. He kept giving me mixed signals about what we were. I had moments where I felt this man was in love with me and other moments where I knew this man saw me as nothing but a friend. Despite everything we went through, I realised that this was never going to change. This man wanted things to be a certain way but just didn’t want those things with me. I started to feel like he was using me to pass his time even though he tried to convince me that he enjoyed spending time with me. I don’t doubt that but at the same time, I couldn’t be there for him to build him up for another woman. I was the one helping him understand his emotions, reflecting on his life, just being there at his every beck and call and always putting him first. But then I just couldn’t accept being the same with him. Deep down he has a complex with a friend he has been friends with for eighteen years. He introduced me to this friend, and we got on well. His friend is in a relationship, and it was nothing of that sort. But then things went bad because he didn’t like the fact that I casually spoke with his friend. I had messaged him on social media, and it was literally just a casual message to hang out as a group, but he thought I had disrespected him by communicating with his friend. He kept throwing accusations and had a problem if his friend mentioned me. I have no communication with his friend and his friend knew who I liked. But I decided that I didn’t need an insecure man who would accuse me and think the worst of me. Whenever his friend would call him & if we were together, he assumed we were conspiring against him. I was so emotionally drained by this point. I just got tired of always being there for someone who wouldn’t show up for me emotionally. He loved being around me but not enough to want to be with me. He apparently had no problem with me dating, yet he had a problem with me just having a casual conversation with his friend. There is so much more to it, but a section won’t cover it. This one needs a post of its own.

Some other experiences in the notorious dating world have included occasions such as a guy who wanted to date me even though he had a wife back in his home country. He would argue with his wife and take it out on me, using me as his emotional punchbag. He was a manipulative man, masking his manipulation as kindness. I had another guy who went on a date with me and tried it on. When I rejected him, he told me the next day that he wasn’t looking for a relationship because of his own personal issues. I met another guy who was handsome but was so weird! I wouldn’t hug and kiss him on the first date, so he got moody with me and wanted to leave. I blocked him straight away because which loser does that? We all know what he was after, and I refuse to entertain a man like that. These are just some other examples of weird men I have met where I laugh at them because they must think women will forever be vulnerable and believe them.

Sometimes, you think you have found someone who is non-judgemental, so you open-up to them about your life. However, later, they use that against you. Men will have no idea what they want from a woman, yet they will behave like they are in a relationship and treat her as if she is a partner. If one person doesn’t trust in a relationship, there is nothing a person can do to make someone trust them again. Men will use women they don’t see a future with for personal reasons and then want a different type of woman for the future. Sometimes the men you think are the kindest, most caring and patient, are the ones who hurt you in a way you don’t even realise is hurting you. They hurt you in a subliminal way and mask it as kindness, like they could never do anything wrong. Sometimes, a man will judge you for the exact same things they are doing but it is worse for you because you’re a woman. They will want forgiveness if they make a mistake but won’t find it as easy to forgive. Men will literally drain you emotionally and then wonder why you are done.

It’s interesting how our past experiences shape who we become and how we handle things. The way I am at the start of a ‘situtionship’ is so different to before because like I said, I no longer have time to waste on men who are not worth it. I used to invest so much of myself because I used to believe that you have to give it 100% from the get-go. Not anymore. Now I wait a few dates to see if the man will be worth my time and energy, worthy of the love I have to offer. I question what he will be able to bring to the table that I bought. I hold myself down pretty well, so I need a man who knows how to handle a strong woman otherwise it isn’t going to work. I don’t entertain men who are not equally as strong and don’t know what they’re looking for. Like I said, I don’t build men up for other women. I don’t give time to men who literally drain my positive energy as time pass.

All these experiences may have hurt me at the time and every time something went wrong, I blamed myself. I always felt like I wasn’t enough and that it was because I am not attractive enough. I only saw flaws in myself because that’s how I was made to feel. But I guess that is what happens when you are non-judgemental, and people are judgemental towards you. You only see your own flaws because you don’t judge others for theirs. When I think about it all now, I laugh. I used to question whether I was good enough, but I never questioned if they were good enough for me. I only saw faults in myself. Maybe if I wasn’t so emotional, maybe if I was slim, or I wasn’t so opiniated or feisty, they would like me. The whole time I thought it was about me, but it was never about me. I was never the one who was emotionally unavailable or didn’t know how to hold a relationship down. The minute I stopped blaming myself, I became free.

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

LOVE

One of the most complex topics ever known to mankind. LOVE! What is love? We all have our own idea of what love is. We’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives, whether we’ve given love or received love. Sometimes love has hurt us and at other times, it’s brought us moments of happiness. Here’s my belief about love; as humans, our innate desire is to love and be loved. There is no other purpose in our lives. That being said, love is complicated beyond measure and one blog post will not suffice. This is a continuously developing post and it has been hard to gather my thoughts on the subject. Experiences change our perspective on love so here are my thoughts on this topic thus far. 

I was the type of woman that believed in that forever kind of, unconditional love. The kind where no matter what happens, if two people want to make their love story work, they can. Everything was about that unconditional love finding me and consuming every part of me. But recently, I have been reflecting a lot on love. My thought process has changed on this. I see love differently now, and I can explain why. 

The first experience we have of love is through our primary caregivers. That for me is the unconditional kind of love, the love given by our family. No matter what happens, your family will always love you. But that can be complicated because I feel there is no right way to be loved, and people love according to what they think loving someone is, be it our family. For example, the way my mother loves me is different to how a friend’s mother loves her because their way of showing love would also be different. It is just who they are. I think our way to love is based on what we perceive love to be, rather than what it is actually is because no-one truly knows what love is, and that is what makes love subjective. You can’t explain love because it is different for us all. Even two people in a relationship with each other will describe and explain love differently. There is no right or wrong way to love either. Love is a personal thing. That is why people don’t always understand what other people’s love is like. Love only works when you meet someone who understands your perception of love and vice versa. Otherwise, the relationship is seen as disastrous when in reality, people should just accept that it is not the type of love they are seeking. 

Since a young age, I’ve been looking for that all-consuming, unconditional love. I have found it at various points in my life. It has been different with the men I loved once upon a time. Some love stories have hurt me, and others have destroyed me. Some even made me feel like I would never love again. No pain compares to that kind of pain. It is indescribable. I remember once when a man I really loved, left me and I cried myself to sleep but woke up in the morning and questioned whether what had happened was real and continued crying. The pain of heartache is hard to describe but it is almost like someone is squeezing your heart in their hand and you can feel the physical ache. You feel miserable. Sleeping is difficult and you often wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, your entire existence just hurting, amongst other things you experience. Yet, here I am. Still standing and still believe in love. It’s just, my perception of love is not what it once used to be.

As stated, love for me is subjective. We all have our own versions of it, and we love people differently. We learn to adjust the way we love someone depending on the kind of person we meet. Love isn’t a forever thing either. That is why we can fall in love with different people at different points of our lives. But the difference is, sometimes we commit to loving the same person for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t necessarily mean you love that person more. It’s just you were able to work through the difficult times through the commitment and are still together. It’s when your perception of love is being reciprocated. That’s where marriage comes in and for me is, that’s what marriage is. Marriage usually has a foundation of some form of love but then eventually, the thing that holds a marriage together isn’t just love. It is a bunch of feelings and emotions like compromise, compassion, trust, empathy, understanding, companionship, communication and so forth. 

Reflecting on love, anyone you speak to about love will tell you something different. Sometimes, people can confess their love soon after you meet them but isn’t love just a feeling or an emotion? A feeling or the emotion of love that we feel in those moments, hence feeling like we are in love? So then why is it that if someone confesses their love early on, we mark it as a red flag? You can mean it at that time because it is the person you are willing to give your love to. We give love in the way we see fit which links back to my point at the start, that our innate desire as humans is to love and be loved. I also think love is a feeling that can be nurtured and grows. For example, I loved a guy who had been courting me for over a year and this turned out to be my favourite love story. I know that love grows because I grew to love someone with whom I didn’t think was possible. I became attached to him. But does this mean it wasn’t really love? Isn’t attachment just a form of love? You learn to love people you didn’t think was possible. You end up loving people for different reasons in moments where they are a part of your life. My belief now is that whenever it hasn’t worked out, it is just because that person didn’t want to build with my version of love. 

At this point in my life, love isn’t about that all-consuming, unconditional kind of love I once thought it was. Love for me now is about feeling safe, secure, respected, trusted, and appreciated for being me. Yes, that is what most people believe a form of love to be but the criterion for love reduces the more you experience it in your life. We must appreciate that we won’t always be loved the way we want to be loved but we can choose to love the other person the way we want to be loved. And to be honest, that is what most people do. That is what we know love to be. We love according to our perception. For example, because I believe communication to be an integral part of a relationship, I am an excellent communicator and feel that someone who is open to that, would mean our love works. Another example is that because I like receiving affection, I openly give affection, again, meaning our love could work. This is based on my perception of love. I think this is where Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages come in too. We all have a primary love language that we prefer but I think that the preference isn’t just about receiving love according to that love language, but also giving love in that language as that is what we think love is, again, going back to our own perception of love. For example, spending quality time with someone I love means I feel loved too. I have also started to feel that love isn’t permanent unless you choose to make it permanent. Love for me is a choice. Love develops and changes as you progress through life and a relationship. People start by loving someone in a certain way and then, when the relationship progresses, the love changes. Maybe expectations have something to do with it because after all, you only ever have expectations from people who mean something to you. 

Now that I have experienced different kinds of love, I no longer look for love like I once used to. I look for companionship. I look for safety and protection. A caregiver. Someone who will give me the bare minimum things like respect and affection. Someone who will be a provider in the long run. This is because I feel I can grow to love a person who gives me all the things that are a requirement for me in a relationship. It is about understanding and being able to get on because I feel love grows the longer you spend with someone, and you have a mutual level of respect. Love to me is a commitment you make when you choose someone to love, especially when that love is reciprocated. Love is supposed to be calm. Love grows and develops in these circumstances.

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

Today I miss him

But all I want is to hold his hand, for our hands to be intertwined. I want him to kiss my cheek & tell me that he is lucky to have me in his life. I want to be locked in his embrace, to feel the warmth of his breath on my neck. I want him to hold me close and tell me it’s all going to be okay. I want him to tell me how he’ll always be here for me. I want him to tell me he loves me unconditionally.

I miss him. I’m missing him so much my heart aches. I’m missing his presence, his voice, his laughter. But then my mind goes back to all those things he said to me. It goes back to how he doesn’t trust me, how he thinks I cheated, and my heart is broken. My heart cries because I’ve been loyal to him for as long as I can remember. Everything has been about him. Even when I’m not thinking about him, he is the only one I am thinking about. He has this hold over me and he doesn’t even realise. But instead, I must pretend that I’m okay. That nothing is wrong. He doesn’t understand the depth of my love. He doesn’t understand that we could have it all. He doesn’t miss me the way I miss him.

He won’t let me go because he needs me in his life and my mind can’t quite comprehend why. He doesn’t love me, yet I’m one of the most important people in his life. But at the same time, I’m not simple enough for him, I’m not cultured enough and I’m not religious enough. And that is the reason he believes we can’t work in the long run. I’m not really sure what else can be a sign of him not wanting me. I’m not sure why I’m holding on but also, why he won’t let me go. He doesn’t want there to be an us. There can’t be an us. There’s too much wrong with me. I don’t think I will ever understand how someone can be such a significant part of our lives yet be so insignificant. But I made the decision to let him go for both of our sakes. I had to be the strong one in hope that we will both find what we are searching for even though my mind believes we found it in each other deep down.

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

Him & I

We’re the happiest when we’re with each other. When I am with him, I forget the world. It’s just me and him in this little bubble, talking, laughing, making jokes, understanding each other. He is my best friend. With him, I can completely be myself. I can talk about everything; I can have mood swings and show an attitude. But he’s still there. He accepts me for me. We have deep and meaningful conversations about our journey through life. We talk about how we will always be there for each other no matter where we are in the world. And I trust him. I trust him with my life and the fact that he won’t ever leave me. He trusts me with his and shares all his secrets with me. We have this bond that is indescribable. Like, we just get on. We make each other laugh with our lame jokes that others might not find funny. We have an excessive amount of sarcasm pouring out of us. We share our food, and he even lets me steal the pineapple from his slices of pizza. We also compromise on a lot of things. If I’m being moody and he leaves, he’ll call me shortly after and shows his caring nature and kindness, trying to reason with me. He’s the most patient with me and gives me space. When he knows I’m being off with him, he becomes talkative. I’m there to guide him through his difficult thoughts and emotions. He’s learning to share his thoughts and emotions without the fear of being judged more each day. He values my opinions and is interested in everything I say. He learns a lot from me, and our time together, whether it is going for a walk, sitting on the beach, walking around a mall, or just lounging on the sofa is peaceful. We fight but we hate fighting and can’t go for long without making up. He’s a shy and reserved person. He’s simple. That’s how I met him. Me? I’m out there. I’m loud and feisty and expressive. I ask a lot of questions. I force him out of his shell. But we balance each other out. I’ve got him and he’s got us. This is a love like I’ve never felt before. It’s true what they say. Friendship is the perfect recipe for a relationship. And I love him and what we have, I want this forever. I have never felt like I can grow with a man like this before. He is my favourite. But this man, I don’t think this man is mine to keep.

Until next time.

Yours,

The Unveiled Reflector x

He only knew he loved her when he let her go…

His silence was speaking volumes. His silence told her everything. All she could do was sit there, feeling the hurt to the extent that her heart physically ached. Nothing had ever hurt like this before. She was hoping he would have the courage to tell her directly that he didn’t want this anymore. That he didn’t want her. But he was the biggest coward she had ever met. Maybe because he was in denial about how he truly felt. She was his first love, and he didn’t even know it at the time. Maybe he was confused about how a woman could do that to him. He had never come across that level of emotional depth until he came across her. She was everything he needed. That enigmatic personality. The strong souled woman who had been hurt many times over but still loved like she had never been hurt before. That once in a lifetime kind of woman. The one that would get away. Everything she felt was from the depths of her soul. She was it and this was no ordinary love. But he let it all go.

He let her go. And then she had no choice but to leave because he wasn’t man enough to admit she had been exactly what he was looking for. He let her have his heartbeat, but not his heart. He was guarding his heart like he had been the one who had been hurt several times over, not her. But the truth is, breaking her heart just proved he was like the rest. Breaking her heart made her stronger than she already was. He just failed to realise that in letting her go, he was experiencing his very first heartbreak. She knew how to mend her broken heart. But unfortunately for him, he didn’t.

The thing about a woman like her is she’ll always cross his mind and he’ll always wonder what if? But when his mind wonders, seeking the answers, he needs to remember it was all on him. He needs to remember; he was the one who didn’t make her feel secure, wanted, appreciated, respected and most importantly, loved. All she ever tried to do was show him what unconditional love was. But he was the one that was seeking her in other women who physically looked better. It was all on him. He only realised she was that drug, that addiction he needed once he let her go. They really could have had it all. And as much as she sobbed when he gave her no choice but to walk away, he also gave her wings to fly and find someone worthy of her love, who would help mend her broken soul. He only knew he loved her when he let her go.

Until next time,

Yours,

The Unveiled Reflector x

The ’30s’ Club

Well, I officially I joined the 30s club in October 2020 and it’s a different kind of club. Not because I feel different but because other people try to make you feel different about being 30 years old. Personally, I think it’s a cool club. I guess all clubs are cool in their own way. The 20s club was all about fun, misunderstandings, not having boundaries, putting up with people’s trauma and negativity, trying too hard, feeling lost, and failing to recognise myself in the mirror. But those things started to change towards the end of my 20s and these changes will hopefully continue for a lifetime. 

People always make being 30 years old a big deal. Like, you’re supposed to have your life all figured out by now and heaven forbid if you haven’t. Apparently, I’m supposed to have a husband and children by now because my biological clock is ticking and men around my age will start seeing me as old. Well, I have neither; not a husband nor children, which according to many, is just unfathomable. In fact, I had a friend recently imply that I should go back to an ex and give him a chance. He couldn’t appreciate me when we were together but because she is losing hope that I will find ‘the one’, she thinks I should give it a shot. I mean, people often find the one in their 20s, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to work unless you work on yourself and build a relationship together. Relationships take a lot more work than people think. It was disappointing that my friend didn’t have faith I would find the love I’m seeking and so worthy of, and implied that I should settle for less. According to her, she has her life together you see, because she has a husband and two children. But we both see life very differently; we always have with all due respect, but more on friendships later!

So, back to the 30s club. Who said that you’re supposed to have it all figured out by 30? Who said you must have kids by this age? Let’s be honest, not everyone who is a parent should be one. For me, the 30s club is a different kind of mature. I can set boundaries and keep myself to myself, not have to worry about what people will think and without ever feeling like I am wasting my time and energy on things and people that I don’t want to. I did a lot of people pleasing earlier on in my life. It’s what happens when you don’t know yourself unfortunately. I know myself rather well now. I love my own company and I genuinely just don’t have the time to be dealing with trivial issues that do not serve a purpose in my life. Honestly, I have no interest in what ‘she’ got up to over the weekend. I have never been more content with who I am as a person and who I am continuously growing to be. The journey of self-love is never ending and one hell of a mind game.

So, why is it that we as women are made to feel like we are not enough when we get to a certain age? Why is it, that the only question you get asked is when you will get married? See, I feel that I am the best version of myself that I have ever been and I am working on becoming an even better version of myself now. I am sick and tired of being made to feel like there is something wrong with me because I don’t fit into the norm of having met someone and not planning a wedding. Weddings are overrated anyway! I admire people who are married and have children. I feel that that job role is harder than being a career focused woman because you have this beautiful little creature that depends on you for absolutely everything, but it also depends on you to lay the foundation right for mental health and emotional intelligence, and a whole bunch of other things. I imagine parenting to be hard. But the truth is, that’s exactly the role I don’t want to have. I haven’t lived enough of my own life yet. There’s so much I want to do and accomplish without the added pressure of bringing a child up right or looking after someone else’s child if he is not mature enough. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of love. I believe in unconditional love. But I don’t want to marry the wrong one or just settle. So, for now, the conquest continues of finding someone who is worthy of me. That doesn’t mean I have it all together when it comes to relationships. Remember I said tangled mess? Well, that is my love life and always has been. 

Until next time. 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x