The Game

He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants something casual that has the potential to turn into a relationship. He wants to go with the flow so there’s no commitment. He wants a woman who will make him a priority whilst he only makes the effort as & when it pleases him. He wants a woman that will be starved of his presence so that she’ll drop everything just to see him. I know this because I know this game very well. 

We all know when a man truly wants a woman, he will go to lengths to impress her even if it’s with simplicity. He’ll make it known he wants to spend time with her. He might want things to start off slow but he’ll make sure she knows that she’ll be his & this is leading somewhere. A man that truly wants a woman makes the effort and pursues her. He makes himself available & plans on when to meet with her, not using spontaneity as an excuse to just see her when he has a spare hour or so to say he tried. It’s the expectation that she’ll drop everything because that’s the only time he’s available. If he wanted her to feel important in his life, he’d make sure she knew it. 

And this is where THAT game comes in. The game that’s meant to pull her in. But what he doesn’t know about her is that she knows exactly when it’s being played. The half hearted effort & trying to play it cool is boring as fuck. She needs stimulation and not just physical baby. He told her he doesn’t play the game whilst playing the game. He thinks it’ll pull her in but she’s enigmatic so this trick of trying to pull her in will only puzzle him because it will push her away. And she laughs. She laughs hard because what he fails to remember is she’s not one to play games with. She plays that game better and he’ll be the one to lose. 

Until next time.

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

One sided love and why I am choosing to walk away

One sided love really fucks you up! If you love someone and that love isn’t reciprocated, it fucks you up mentally and emotionally. It’s a different kind of heartbreak. The thing about one sided love is that you are often left questioning your self-worth and wonder why you weren’t good enough for the person who wasn’t able to commit to you. What was it that you lacked that didn’t allow that person to fall in love with you? In reality, if you love someone and it is one-sided, you’re not the problem and sometimes, neither is the other person. After all, you just can’t help who you fall in love with. Loving someone who you think is worthy of your love is not the problem. It feels like the problem because you’re not loved back. You constantly overlook the flaws of the person you love and in the end, the only person you burn is yourself. You have this hope inside you that one day, that love will be reciprocated because you believe that your love is powerful enough to do that and you wait, and wait, and wait, and it doesn’t come. That’s when you get to the point where you are tired of waiting and realise that for your own sanity, you are left with no choice but to walk away. There is no one that can protect your heart like you can. 

When it comes to one-sided love, most people, including myself, have this idea that they will be able to do enough to make the person they love, love them back. You do the absolute most for this person because you can see something they cannot. You think that once they see how wonderful you both can be together, it will all fall into place. Often, it’s this idea that is completely in your head that somehow, you will both be perfect for each other. Instead, what happens is that you end up feeling confused, hurt and a bunch of other mixed emotions because of how the other person treats you. It’s almost like one minute they’re into you and pulling you in, and another they’re not into you so they’re pushing you away. But then you come to the realisation that you can’t make someone love you no matter how much you love them and how much you try. Instead, all that is happening is that your emotions are on a roller-coaster because you think that there is hope when they are into you for some moments and then suddenly, they’re not. When you start questioning how long you can continue taking this heartache for (because honestly, one sided love is one of the worst pains) you know it is the beginning of the end. The length of time a person fights for their one-sided love varies for people. Personally, for me, a year was more than enough. A man will not be hesitant to commit to a woman unless he doesn’t want to commit to her, no matter how much he tries to make a woman believe that he needs time. Too often, women give men a lot of time in hope this will change things and in the end, they still don’t get the commitment they had hoped for. A man is happy to go with the flow in case he doesn’t find someone better whilst wasting the valuable time of a woman just because she fulfils his needs whether they’re emotional, mental, or physical for that period of time she is in his life. And that is what I went through. 

I met a wonderful man and I thought this was it for me. I thought that because of how our relationship slowly evolved, this would be the perfect thing. See, we started off as friends and then slowly we became more than friends. As a woman, I naturally wondered where this was heading and every time I questioned it, I was told that it was better to go with the flow and see where things end up. We were practically in a relationship without calling it a relationship. We did absolutely everything together. We spent a lot of time together as couples do, and we were in communication daily, just as couples usually are. 

However, slowly, as things progressed and my feelings started getting deeper, we got to the six month mark and I was still wondering where this was heading. Reflecting on this situation, I can now see that six months is far too long for a man to decide if he wants to commit to a relationship with you. The problem was that the man I was in love with had never been in a relationship before and I was the first woman that he was like this with. I still had this hope that one day, he would realise that we were made for each other. Every time we fought, we would take some space and then we would always come back and fix things, no matter what happened between us. That for me told me that this was something special because I had never had that in a relationship before. Also, because he had never been in a relationship before, it made me think that he was learning in the process and would eventually realise that we were more than just friends and he would be able to commit. That was one of my very first mistakes – making excuses for this man. 

It got to the one-year mark, and I started realising that I was selling myself short. Things that were of significance for me in a relationship, were things that I had started overlooking because I always wanted to make sure that he was okay as he had never been in a relationship. I was more focused on meeting his emotional needs rather than my own. Even near the one-year mark, this man still wouldn’t commit to me. If that isn’t enough time, then no time will ever be enough! He was always confused about what he wanted and every time the conversation came up, I stressed the fact that this wasn’t going anywhere and that he should let me go so we could go our separate ways. I was okay with moving on because in my heart I knew that I had tried everything so I would happily leave with no regrets. I never realised this at the time but whenever the conversation came up of me walking away, it wouldn’t go anywhere and then the following few days, there would be this extra effort from his side. He would want to spend more time with me, and he would want to do things that I liked doing. Now, as a woman who was being stupid in love, I would always mistake that as an unsaid answer that he wanted me deep down and was just scared to commit, making excuses for him. It’s funny looking back. Even the times when he deeply hurt me with his words and actions, I always forgave him thinking that because he had never been in a relationship before, he didn’t know better and allowed myself to be disrespected. Again, making excuses for him. I think I had been very patient with him and although we were together but not officially together, I still had this unspoken level of loyalty towards him because of how I felt. The thought of entertaining another man was almost like I would be committing a sin and would be considered as cheating because in my head, I didn’t want to risk ruining a chance if we ever had one.

After a series of events where I started feeling like I wasn’t important enough in his life anymore and felt like he was changing towards me, that’s when it really hit me that this man never had wanted me in that way and would never be able to commit to me, no matter how many mixed signals he would give me. I started behaving in a clingy manner always questioning why he didn’t want to spend time with me anymore and why I wasn’t important enough. I wondered what had changed so much in such a short space of time. And that was the problem.  You see, if he really did love me and see a future with me, this man would do everything in his power to reassure me and help get rid of my insecurities. He would make the effort to spend time with me. Instead, he contributed to my insecurities further which made me feel even worse. I started understanding that he wanted me in his life because he was lonely, and I was fun to be around. I was useful to him because I would help him discover himself through self-reflecting, having deep and intellectual conversations and always being there for him. I realised that he was being selfish because he knew how I felt about him but since he liked how I was helping him become a better version of himself, he was fearful of letting me go. Despite him making me feel like I wasn’t important enough and not a priority in his life anymore, I still tried to be normal with him, but it got to a point where I just felt like I was bothering him whenever I would try to talk to him. He would respond to me very slowly despite being on his phone. And that’s when it hit me. If you feel like you’re begging for someone’s time and attention, you’re losing yourself in the process.

I decided that because he wouldn’t let me go, I would have to be proactive and decided that I needed to walk away from the thing that was hurting me the most. The first thing I did was decide that I needed to get out of the environment where we would spend all our time, so I booked a flight to come home and spend time with my family. Being away from our regular environment allowed me to gather my thoughts on matters and really question what it was that this man was doing for me apart from hurting my feelings. This allowed me to determine that I had no choice but to walk away from the man I loved. I realised I would have to love him from a distance. The next thing I decided was that I needed to walk away in silence because I finally accepted that this was not going to go anywhere, nor would it ever go anywhere and all I was doing was building myself up for further heartache the longer this continued for. His avoidant personality makes him fearful of commitment and he isn’t emotionally available, so it means that until he doesn’t work on himself, he unfortunately won’t be able to make that commitment, to anyone. It was also when I realised that I was doing all the emotional work in the relationship, and I was the one that was holding the relationship together. If I was no longer willing to do that, this relationship would fall apart. And I couldn’t continue being the one doing all the emotional work because the only thing that I was doing was not acknowledging how I had been feeling. Instead, I had been busy trying to understand him, rather than myself. I realised that my emotional needs were not being met and was always working on meeting his emotional needs. I knew that once I was ready, I would need someone who was mature enough to commit and was emotionally available. I crave security, maturity, and stability in a relationship, and I knew I wouldn’t get this from the man that I waited so long for. I had to walk away for myself.

Now, because I know that every time I discuss leaving, he doesn’t let me go, I decided I am going to do that by taking ten steps back. It’s never easy to walk away from someone you love. In fact, it’s one of the most heart-breaking things. Maybe in time, he will realise that he is ready to commit and, if we’re meant to be, we will. However, I just decided that I couldn’t be around anymore waiting, building him up in hope that he would commit to me whilst wasting my own precious time. I decided that I needed to put my own needs first. I know that it is difficult to walk away from someone you love, and it is a process. A long, difficult, and hurtful process. But in time, that hurt will subside.

I finally started that process, but I haven’t figured it out completely and I will have to figure it out along the way but currently, I decided to not respond to any contact from him for a minimum of 72 hours to slowly start reducing contact. I also made a list of pros and cons about the person I am in love with. The final step in the process that I decided to take was to write a list of all the reasons that I am choosing to walk away and refer to this list daily. I re-read it to remind myself of why I need to walk away. It’s only the start but I also know myself and know that if I decide to do something, there is no doubt that I will succeed. I remind myself of all the hurt I have been through in the past and know that I was able to get through that, which in turn made me stronger, so I know I will also get through this, no matter how difficult it currently seems. Time heals all wounds and there is no doubt that time will heal this one too. I am just exhausted and emotionally drained of giving love and not receiving it back. All I am doing is giving it to the wrong person because I know that for the kind of person I am, someone out there will be lucky to receive the love I have to offer and the right man will appreciate it from the beginning, rather than making me feel insecure or make me question my own self-worth. 

The sad truth is that despite several relationship experiences I have had; I am still a little oblivious when it comes to figuring out if a man is emotionally available. It always seems like they are at the beginning. My problem is I am too understanding, accommodating, and giving in a relationship. There have been far too many times where I have put the other persons needs before my own, but I don’t want to do that anymore. For a while I lost myself by giving all my love to someone else rather than to myself. I don’t want to go through that ever again where I forget my self-worth. I chose to walk away because I am prioritising myself. I am the most important person in my life. Which leads me to a quote that I feel is relatable; ‘what doesn’t break you, only makes you stronger’. 

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

Outgrowing Friendships

I never thought we could outgrow friendships until I outgrew one not that long ago. It’s funny, isn’t it? We make friends and sometimes we think friendships will last a lifetime. You meet someone and you think this is my person that will go through life with me. Sometimes you make friends in the most random ways and don’t imagine you would become so close but then slowly, one challenge in your friendship turns into another and then suddenly, the friendship starts deteriorating. I had a friendship like this of eleven years. We were inseparable and we grew together a lot. But things started to change the moment a man entered her life. For me, I feel that friendships shouldn’t change just because one person gets into a relationship. I feel that when the rose-tinted glasses are on, some people don’t value their friends as much anymore. However, at some point when you get complacent in your relationship and the rose-tinted glasses come off, you start missing your friends and by this point, it could be too late. 

I made a friend in my first year of university. I had moved away from home so friends were of a lot of significance whilst living away. In the first week, I was the only one in my accommodation. I’d been away to a different city to meet with some friends and whilst I was away, a girl moved in next door. I introduced myself and that was the end of the conversation. In the first semester, because we lived together, we ended up spending some time together and after bonding over some music we both liked, we realised we had a lot more in common than we initially thought. During our first-year at university, our friendship slowly grew from strength to strength, and we just worked. We shared a lot of things about our lives and started hanging out with each other all the time. Eventually, our circle of friends became the same and we did everything together. We were always there for each other, but the thing I liked most about our friendship was that we could be our authentic selves, yet it never affected our friendship. Even after we left university, we stayed the best of friends. We would go to family events our families had and we would go to each other’s houses regularly. We would sleep over and travel together. We went on quite a few holidays and we would have the best time. There was just this unspoken level of understanding that we had. We were from similar cultures, so this strengthened our friendship when we discussed issues relating to our culture. Our friendship was this solid for eight years. Meeting at the age of eighteen, you can only imagine how much we went through together, with all the changes a young adult goes through around that age. We grew as people and there was this unbreakable bond, until it slowly started breaking.

In 2017, our friendship started to change when she met a man who didn’t like me. This was her first serious relationship and despite always saying that no man would ever be able to get in-between our friendship, one did. We were on holiday at the time in Dubai (not knowing it would be our final holiday) and had an argument about something which I guess marked the beginning of the end. Things were not okay for the rest of the holiday, but we made it through and got home. After that, there was this distance between us, but I valued our friendship so dearly that it didn’t make sense that we had fallen out and felt things were unfixable. I always like to fix things because I am one of those people that doesn’t feel content if things aren’t right, especially with someone who has been a significant part of my life for a long time. We eventually made up after me turning up to her house and wanting to talk through things. Her boyfriend at the time still didn’t like me but that was okay as long as I had my best friend. However, from then on, it was never the same. 

See, the thing is, sometimes, when a friend gets a partner, their priorities change which is completely natural and I can understand that. However, no matter happened, her boyfriend decided that he just didn’t like me even though I tried to make an effort with him. They eventually got married in 2018 but we both were busy with our lives, so it wasn’t the way it used to be and we were both in different places. I don’t think that is a good enough reason for such a solid friendship to change so drastically, but I appreciate that if your partner doesn’t like one of your friends, your natural instinct is to be a little distant because you don’t want to upset them. This is not me agreeing whether that is right or wrong but just outlining that I can understand why this happens. As we continued with our lives, again we grew distant, and months would go by where we would no longer make the same effort with each other. In late 2018, I lost a college best friend and wanted some support from whom I thought would be able to provide that for me. I had never seen death so closely and it had impacted me in more ways than one. However, my ‘best friend’ just didn’t know how to be there for me so another nine months went by and when we spoke this time, I asked to meet up so I could tell her that I had a job offer and was moving abroad. I didn’t want to move abroad with our friendship being so frosty. Despite everything that had happened, I still had faith that our friendship could still make it through any difficulty we went through. This was in mid 2019 and we again, talked about our differences and what was going wrong in our friendship. We talked about how this could be fixed which was great! We were back to being semi-normal and were making more of a conscious effort with each other. At the start of 2020, we had a disagreement over something but this time, my best friend was quite rude and honestly, it just wasn’t what I needed. I think I was just fed up by this point of things always seeming to go wrong and me always being the one to initiate repairing the damage. A few months later, she tried to contact me to tell me about her sister having a baby and I just felt like I didn’t care anymore, especially because the real issue had been brushed under the carpet. It was a brief conversation, and we didn’t speak after that for months until I got a birthday message. I replied to her message but when her birthday came a couple of months later, I knew that not contacting her would mark the end of this friendship completely. And that is exactly what happened because I made that decision of ending a friendship I didn’t think would ever end. Since October 2020, we have not spoken and honestly, I am content with that.

There are many reasons I feel content with my decision, but I felt like it got to a point in our friendship where I started wondering why every time something went wrong, it was always me that was making the first move to fix things. I think I am at that point in my life where I have realised that sometimes, you can’t always be the one to fix things, regardless of whatever trauma someone has been through in their lives. I realise that at times, you have to let things just fizzle out because sometimes, things have an expiry date. It can never be justified that one person in any kind of relationship is always the one doing the emotional work just because the other person has a certain type of mentality. One thing I learned towards the end of our friendship was that maybe my best friend had a slight ego problem which is why she could never be the one to initiate fixing things when they went wrong, no matter how she felt deep down. Maybe it is also one of the reasons that things used to get brushed under the carpet unless I was the one wanting to communicate about them.

I personally think that the decision to not make contact with her on her birthday was because I had made peace with how the friendship turned out. I felt that regardless of how much we tried to make things right, they would never be the same. It wasn’t always an easy journey for me. Since 2017, I was deeply affected by how our friendship had turned out because I talked about it a lot with those closest to me. The way the friendship turned out bothered me. I mean, of course it bothered me because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t have talked about it so much. I also think that in the process of talking about it so much, I had already mourned the loss of the friendship which is why I was very content with the friendship fading away. It is completely normal to mourn a friendship because when a friend has been a huge part of your life, you feel the loss when things are no longer the same. I feel everything so deeply so the fact that this friendship had turned out the way I had never imagined, really did break my heart.

Reflecting on the friendship we had, I now believe that sometimes, people only come into your lives for a short period of time to teach you things or because that is exactly what you need at that point in your life. I am not sad anymore because I have made peace with the fact that maybe throughout our twenties, we needed each other for whatever we went through. We were destined to grow as much as we did together before we both progressed onto separate chapters in our lives. I always remind myself that not everyone that comes into my life is supposed to stay and I feel that is how I have made peace with the fact that even when we don’t ever want someone to leave our lives, sometimes people do and we have no choice but to accept this bitter truth. It does however, get easier as time goes on.

Now, my ex-best friend is married, and she has welcomed a child into the world which is wonderful. There are no hard feelings from my side. I feel we have both moved on with our lives and I am personally very content with where I currently am. I don’t think I would ever want to fix this friendship anymore or try to attempt to go back to how it used to be because that is impossible. Plus, I feel too much has happened in the interim period for it to go back to how it was once upon a time. Instead, I cherish the memories we made, and I will always wish her the best. It’s just, I choose not to be a part of her life anymore because too much has happened for me to make that effort. And that is how I know I have outgrown the friendship.

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

LOVE

One of the most complex topics ever known to mankind. LOVE! What is love? We all have our own idea of what love is. We’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives, whether we’ve given love or received love. Sometimes love has hurt us and at other times, it’s brought us moments of happiness. Here’s my belief about love; as humans, our innate desire is to love and be loved. There is no other purpose in our lives. That being said, love is complicated beyond measure and one blog post will not suffice. This is a continuously developing post and it has been hard to gather my thoughts on the subject. Experiences change our perspective on love so here are my thoughts on this topic thus far. 

I was the type of woman that believed in that forever kind of, unconditional love. The kind where no matter what happens, if two people want to make their love story work, they can. Everything was about that unconditional love finding me and consuming every part of me. But recently, I have been reflecting a lot on love. My thought process has changed on this. I see love differently now, and I can explain why. 

The first experience we have of love is through our primary caregivers. That for me is the unconditional kind of love, the love given by our family. No matter what happens, your family will always love you. But that can be complicated because I feel there is no right way to be loved, and people love according to what they think loving someone is, be it our family. For example, the way my mother loves me is different to how a friend’s mother loves her because their way of showing love would also be different. It is just who they are. I think our way to love is based on what we perceive love to be, rather than what it is actually is because no-one truly knows what love is, and that is what makes love subjective. You can’t explain love because it is different for us all. Even two people in a relationship with each other will describe and explain love differently. There is no right or wrong way to love either. Love is a personal thing. That is why people don’t always understand what other people’s love is like. Love only works when you meet someone who understands your perception of love and vice versa. Otherwise, the relationship is seen as disastrous when in reality, people should just accept that it is not the type of love they are seeking. 

Since a young age, I’ve been looking for that all-consuming, unconditional love. I have found it at various points in my life. It has been different with the men I loved once upon a time. Some love stories have hurt me, and others have destroyed me. Some even made me feel like I would never love again. No pain compares to that kind of pain. It is indescribable. I remember once when a man I really loved, left me and I cried myself to sleep but woke up in the morning and questioned whether what had happened was real and continued crying. The pain of heartache is hard to describe but it is almost like someone is squeezing your heart in their hand and you can feel the physical ache. You feel miserable. Sleeping is difficult and you often wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, your entire existence just hurting, amongst other things you experience. Yet, here I am. Still standing and still believe in love. It’s just, my perception of love is not what it once used to be.

As stated, love for me is subjective. We all have our own versions of it, and we love people differently. We learn to adjust the way we love someone depending on the kind of person we meet. Love isn’t a forever thing either. That is why we can fall in love with different people at different points of our lives. But the difference is, sometimes we commit to loving the same person for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t necessarily mean you love that person more. It’s just you were able to work through the difficult times through the commitment and are still together. It’s when your perception of love is being reciprocated. That’s where marriage comes in and for me is, that’s what marriage is. Marriage usually has a foundation of some form of love but then eventually, the thing that holds a marriage together isn’t just love. It is a bunch of feelings and emotions like compromise, compassion, trust, empathy, understanding, companionship, communication and so forth. 

Reflecting on love, anyone you speak to about love will tell you something different. Sometimes, people can confess their love soon after you meet them but isn’t love just a feeling or an emotion? A feeling or the emotion of love that we feel in those moments, hence feeling like we are in love? So then why is it that if someone confesses their love early on, we mark it as a red flag? You can mean it at that time because it is the person you are willing to give your love to. We give love in the way we see fit which links back to my point at the start, that our innate desire as humans is to love and be loved. I also think love is a feeling that can be nurtured and grows. For example, I loved a guy who had been courting me for over a year and this turned out to be my favourite love story. I know that love grows because I grew to love someone with whom I didn’t think was possible. I became attached to him. But does this mean it wasn’t really love? Isn’t attachment just a form of love? You learn to love people you didn’t think was possible. You end up loving people for different reasons in moments where they are a part of your life. My belief now is that whenever it hasn’t worked out, it is just because that person didn’t want to build with my version of love. 

At this point in my life, love isn’t about that all-consuming, unconditional kind of love I once thought it was. Love for me now is about feeling safe, secure, respected, trusted, and appreciated for being me. Yes, that is what most people believe a form of love to be but the criterion for love reduces the more you experience it in your life. We must appreciate that we won’t always be loved the way we want to be loved but we can choose to love the other person the way we want to be loved. And to be honest, that is what most people do. That is what we know love to be. We love according to our perception. For example, because I believe communication to be an integral part of a relationship, I am an excellent communicator and feel that someone who is open to that, would mean our love works. Another example is that because I like receiving affection, I openly give affection, again, meaning our love could work. This is based on my perception of love. I think this is where Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages come in too. We all have a primary love language that we prefer but I think that the preference isn’t just about receiving love according to that love language, but also giving love in that language as that is what we think love is, again, going back to our own perception of love. For example, spending quality time with someone I love means I feel loved too. I have also started to feel that love isn’t permanent unless you choose to make it permanent. Love for me is a choice. Love develops and changes as you progress through life and a relationship. People start by loving someone in a certain way and then, when the relationship progresses, the love changes. Maybe expectations have something to do with it because after all, you only ever have expectations from people who mean something to you. 

Now that I have experienced different kinds of love, I no longer look for love like I once used to. I look for companionship. I look for safety and protection. A caregiver. Someone who will give me the bare minimum things like respect and affection. Someone who will be a provider in the long run. This is because I feel I can grow to love a person who gives me all the things that are a requirement for me in a relationship. It is about understanding and being able to get on because I feel love grows the longer you spend with someone, and you have a mutual level of respect. Love to me is a commitment you make when you choose someone to love, especially when that love is reciprocated. Love is supposed to be calm. Love grows and develops in these circumstances.

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

Today I miss him

But all I want is to hold his hand, for our hands to be intertwined. I want him to kiss my cheek & tell me that he is lucky to have me in his life. I want to be locked in his embrace, to feel the warmth of his breath on my neck. I want him to hold me close and tell me it’s all going to be okay. I want him to tell me how he’ll always be here for me. I want him to tell me he loves me unconditionally.

I miss him. I’m missing him so much my heart aches. I’m missing his presence, his voice, his laughter. But then my mind goes back to all those things he said to me. It goes back to how he doesn’t trust me, how he thinks I cheated, and my heart is broken. My heart cries because I’ve been loyal to him for as long as I can remember. Everything has been about him. Even when I’m not thinking about him, he is the only one I am thinking about. He has this hold over me and he doesn’t even realise. But instead, I must pretend that I’m okay. That nothing is wrong. He doesn’t understand the depth of my love. He doesn’t understand that we could have it all. He doesn’t miss me the way I miss him.

He won’t let me go because he needs me in his life and my mind can’t quite comprehend why. He doesn’t love me, yet I’m one of the most important people in his life. But at the same time, I’m not simple enough for him, I’m not cultured enough and I’m not religious enough. And that is the reason he believes we can’t work in the long run. I’m not really sure what else can be a sign of him not wanting me. I’m not sure why I’m holding on but also, why he won’t let me go. He doesn’t want there to be an us. There can’t be an us. There’s too much wrong with me. I don’t think I will ever understand how someone can be such a significant part of our lives yet be so insignificant. But I made the decision to let him go for both of our sakes. I had to be the strong one in hope that we will both find what we are searching for even though my mind believes we found it in each other deep down.

Until next time, 

Yours, 

The Unveiled Reflector x 

He only knew he loved her when he let her go…

His silence was speaking volumes. His silence told her everything. All she could do was sit there, feeling the hurt to the extent that her heart physically ached. Nothing had ever hurt like this before. She was hoping he would have the courage to tell her directly that he didn’t want this anymore. That he didn’t want her. But he was the biggest coward she had ever met. Maybe because he was in denial about how he truly felt. She was his first love, and he didn’t even know it at the time. Maybe he was confused about how a woman could do that to him. He had never come across that level of emotional depth until he came across her. She was everything he needed. That enigmatic personality. The strong souled woman who had been hurt many times over but still loved like she had never been hurt before. That once in a lifetime kind of woman. The one that would get away. Everything she felt was from the depths of her soul. She was it and this was no ordinary love. But he let it all go.

He let her go. And then she had no choice but to leave because he wasn’t man enough to admit she had been exactly what he was looking for. He let her have his heartbeat, but not his heart. He was guarding his heart like he had been the one who had been hurt several times over, not her. But the truth is, breaking her heart just proved he was like the rest. Breaking her heart made her stronger than she already was. He just failed to realise that in letting her go, he was experiencing his very first heartbreak. She knew how to mend her broken heart. But unfortunately for him, he didn’t.

The thing about a woman like her is she’ll always cross his mind and he’ll always wonder what if? But when his mind wonders, seeking the answers, he needs to remember it was all on him. He needs to remember; he was the one who didn’t make her feel secure, wanted, appreciated, respected and most importantly, loved. All she ever tried to do was show him what unconditional love was. But he was the one that was seeking her in other women who physically looked better. It was all on him. He only realised she was that drug, that addiction he needed once he let her go. They really could have had it all. And as much as she sobbed when he gave her no choice but to walk away, he also gave her wings to fly and find someone worthy of her love, who would help mend her broken soul. He only knew he loved her when he let her go.

Until next time,

Yours,

The Unveiled Reflector x